Encouraging Words for Those Living With Cancer

Finding the “right” words for someone with cancer may feel impossible. Each person may react differently to a cancer diagnosis, and your loved one will have a unique perspective on their situation. If you’re not sure what to say to someone with cancer, that’s OK. Sometimes, just being present—listening and offering a nonjudgmental shoulder to lean on—can make a world of difference.

At the same time, there are things you can say to be supportive—and there are comments that may come across as less mindful or considerate, even if your intentions are in the right place.

Here is some practical guidance on what to say (and what not to say) to someone diagnosed with cancer. 

What to say to someone with cancer

A good way to check whether something you’d like to say would be appropriate or helpful is to ask yourself if your comment or statement is about you or the other person. It’s best to keep the conversation about the other person, rather than focusing on or centering your reaction to their diagnosis. 

Ask them how they’re feeling, and give them space, time and a compassionate ear when they share. Avoid adding to their emotional burden by sharing how worried or sad you feel about their condition. Instead, talk about those feelings with friends, family or a trusted therapist. It’s normal to feel like there’s a lot to process, particularly when a loved one is terminally ill, but try to avoid processing this with the person themselves. 

Another helpful way to be careful with your choice of words is to focus on coming from a place of empathy. Imagine you are experiencing cancer. What might make you feel loved, supported and reassured? When you speak with empathy and love, you’re sure to comfort your friend or family member with cancer. 

Helpful quotes and phrases

Here are some helpful words of encouragement for cancer patients. Whether they’ve recently been diagnosed or are undergoing treatment, sharing a positive message for a cancer patient can mean the world. 

• “I’m not sure what to say right now, but know that I’m always here for you.” This is a straightforward and genuine way to express what you’re feeling. 
• “You’re going through a really difficult experience.” It can help to let your loved one know that you see them and understand how hard their experience is.
• “I will keep you in my thoughts.” When a person is feeling scared or uncertain, it feels reassuring to know that a friend or loved one is thinking of them. 
• “Let me help you with the laundry today.” Making a tangible and specific offer to help avoids tasking the person with making decisions about what needs to be done. 
• “I’m always here to listen if you want to talk.” Your loved one may not want to talk about their diagnosis, but if they do, let them know you’re a safe space and willing to listen actively. 
• “Hey, did you catch that great comedy on TV last night?” Sometimes, a person with cancer just wants to think about regular life. Ask them about aspects of their identity and personality that don’t revolve around health issues. 
• “You look wonderful today.” If you’re wondering what to say to someone going through chemotherapy, know that they may feel self-conscious about their appearance, due to some potential side effects from chemotherapy, such as hair loss. Giving them a small, sincere compliment may lift their spirits.

What not to say

Even though you have the best intentions, sometimes words can be misinterpreted or come off the wrong way. Here are some phrases generally best avoided: 

• “I know how you feel.” Even if you’ve had cancer yourself, every person’s circumstance is unique, so it’s best to avoid comparing someone else's cancer experience to theirs. 
• “It’ll all be OK.” Although optimism is good, telling the other person everything will be fine can diminish the difficult situations they’re going through.
• “You’re so brave.” Though some may find this comment supportive, others may feel pressure to appear brave at all times. 
• “Stay strong.” It’s important not to tell the person what to do or how to feel, and you don't want to imply that there's any shame in not always maintaining the appearance of strength. 
• “At least you’re losing weight.” Avoid pointing out how their body has changed unless they bring it up. 
• “Have you thought about trying ____ type of treatment? It worked really well for my uncle.” Unsolicited health advice is generally not helpful for those with cancer, and it may be dangerous. Leave their treatment to their cancer care team. 
• “Do you know what caused your cancer?” Asking how the person’s cancer happened isn’t helpful, and, worse, it may make them feel guilty or blame themselves for their diagnosis. 
• “Everything happens for a reason.” This kind of comment may make them feel like they’ve done something to cause the cancer and it can feel dismissive.

Go beyond the talk

Your loved one will appreciate your support, whether it’s through encouraging words, a listening ear or useful assistance, such as preparing a home-cooked meal, running errands, walking pets, watching children or offering rides to and from medical appointments. 

A bouquet of fresh flowers is another way to brighten up their day during challenging times. The fun and surprise of an unexpected flower delivery may cheer up a loved one going through cancer treatment. Other heartfelt gifts that may be appreciated by both a person with cancer and that person's family could be:

• a box of essential oils
• a basket of herbal teas
• a gift card to a food delivery service
• a subscription to a meditation app
• a game, puzzle or coloring book
• a blanket that can be heated or chilled

Whatever you decide to say or do for a friend or family member living with cancer, let your heart lead you. The heart is rarely wrong.