Mary "Dee" Perna

Mary Delores “Dee” Perna (Nee DiNatale) passed away peacefully surrounded by her loving family on August 22, 2023. Wife of the late Frank A. Perna. Dee was the devoted and selfless mother of Anthony (Susan) Perna MD, Maryann (Kenneth) Jarvis, Salvatore Perna DDS and Constance (Mark Janik) Perna; adored Nani of Brian Wilhelm, Marielle (Randy) Calhoun, Lauren (Michael, MD) Petroziello, Frank Perna, Lindsay (fiancé Wes Bruer) Perna, Kristina (Zachary) Dailey, Anthony Perna Esq., Brianna (Jonathan) Velez and the late Nicole Pellegrino; cherished great Nani of Liam, Amelia, Harrison, Anson and Luca; dear sister of Leanore (late Samuel) Zarcone, late Sarah DiNatale, late Josephine DeJesus, late Carrie Galiotto and late Vincent (Carol) DiNatale; beloved sister in law of Rose and Joseph Scro; survived by many loving & devoted nieces, nephews, cousins and dear friends. Family will be present to receive friends on Sunday August 27, 2023 from 2 - 6 PM at the PERNA DENGLER ROBERTS FUNERAL HOME 1671 Maple Road, Williamsville NY. A Mass of Christian Burial will be celebrated on Monday at 8:45 AM at Saint Gregory the Great Church 200 St Gregory Ct, Buffalo, NY 14221. Please assemble at the Church. Interment will follow at Mount Calvary Cemetery, Cheektowaga NY. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made in Dee’s memory to Hospice Buffalo. Dee was known for her beautiful smile & bubbly personality that lit up the room, a golden & grateful heart, endless energy to care for others & serve our community with her time & talents. Her presence will be deeply missed but the memories she gave us never forgotten.

Eulogy

"It warms my heart to look around this church and see this stadium of people who knew and of course adored our matriarch Mary Perna. Better known as: Nani. Dee. Delores. Lazarus. Depends on who you ask and how many other Mary Pernas are in the room at the time.I look around and I see the tribe she created in the 95 years of her life:her 4 children, 9 grandchildren and 5 great grandchildren. And of course, there are her cherished siblings, devoted nieces and nephews. Her gumbadis and her women aka “Dee’s Angels” who took care of her as if she was their own mother. How she loved each of us as the most special, most unique, most deserving of her warmth and light. She’d blast you with it within a minute of meeting you.You’d know it by the way she’d grab your hand… How she’d tilt her head onto your shoulder when she laughed. Or - hey - it could be in the way she’d dress you down in a joke..that was really just to make sure you were for real. She didn’t have much tolerance for anything less. And if you threw a playful jab back - you were kindred. So let me extend a formal WELCOME to her party!

Are you crying? Well, Stop it.

She’d slap your hand and shake you. Because this woman has had the rules set for decades. She’s been rehearsing an imminent death TOO. MANY. TIMES. TO COUNT. I mean didn’t we all already attend her living wake over the last couple months as she held court from bed. Didn’t we all already shed our tears, kiss the ring and take a couple sarcastic comments on the chin?

Aunt Leonore - she put on that fresh coat of lipstick just for you off her third to last death bed.

She’s already set the tone for the moment when Sweet Baby Jesus…whose portrait hung on her wall…would take her. At last.

The point is - Nani used every last breath - and I mean every last breath - to make us fearless in the face of the closing chapter of her own life. She did all she could to prepare us…to make sure the experience of her death would be in every way how she had lived. With laughter…with food…with each other.

And that was Nani, she thought of us before herself. Always. Never not.

She’s warned us for years that her life was enough - more than enough. Filled to the brim with all the many graduations and weddings. The cross-country moves. The move-ins - that’s when Dee would find herself in a quick visit of one of her children, reorganizing their kitchen and inviting neighbors over to play mahjong.

You see - this depression-era baby did her service… Taking care of her siblings from age 7… Leaving high school early to work as a seamstress during the War. And in her years as a wife and mother, she was reliable and nurturing. She’d ask - what are you eating? What can I make for you? Food wasn’t just one of her love languages - it was her entire vocabulary. In fact, it may have been the most clear and absolute tool she had to express her love. A love she’d extend to the whole neighborhood. I hear she’d orchestrate a daily hot dog bbq for the kids on 7th street who came to swim in their pool. Her relationships are what transcended her role in the community. A large part why so many then and now come to the Perna Funeral Home as a safe place to say goodbye. To little fanfare, she’d take such special care working behind the scenes at the funeral home to “do the women” TRANSLATION - prepare loved ones for their final rest… making sure they presented as peaceful and as beautiful as Dee looks now. She was a consummate volunteer - organizing fashion show fundraisers for the hospital and anchoring her fidelity in the church where she’d rarely miss a service. But it was in how she “Nani’d” - that she’d call her best work. I’d agree. As a grandmother, she came into her own. She softened and fully embraced what it means to mother. She let us count on her. She fed us. She enjoyed us. During countless sleepovers, we’d make 3D decoupage art pieces out of greeting cards. When she couldn’t cook for us - she’d cook through us… Offering VERY specific instructions on how to make her either a classic - Caponatina… Or a new concoction inspired by the Food Channel to satisfy a new craving. She’d be like - ok LOOK AT ME - no LOOK AT ME - then proceed to point to where to find all the ingredients in her well-stocked pantry - aka - Wegmans. Even in all she gave - she never complained - never slowed down. She helped raise us. She wanted us to remember that we are the reason for her “hanging around so long.” And all of us - grandchildren, children, posse alike search in ourselves for the traits we inherited from her.

Was it how she socialized? Fueled by a room full of people… Or how she’d flutter from hobby to hobby - she was always on the move. It may be the selflessness…how her suffering was always ancillary to anyone else’s… Cover your shoulders she’d say. Or “Go to sleep” - because she wanted you to rest, as she was so determined to not make you her burden. Let us remember though the HONOR it was to witness the independence in the last decade of her life where she simply demanded that every moment count with friends and family.

The party never stopped for Nani - today included.

But for a second, can we all take a moment to be a little jealous of the Party she’s kicked off up there in heaven? With her Sicilian immigrant parents who she loved so dearly. A kind and fair father who she cared for in his many sick years at the VA hospital. Her devoted mother who would work from dawn to dusk. Dee is busy…reuniting with her four siblings in heaven. After their passing Nani would settle for signs of them - red cardinals at her doorstep. She missed them. And it was in her resolute faith that Nani so clung to that she trusted God would bring her back to them. Oh - we will look for signs of her everywhere… until the day we so humbly receive the same honor to be with her again too. And until then - we have to cobble together the parts of her we all have in us. If you’re lost because you’re trying to make Nani’s sauce… Because you know she purposefully left one ingredient out… You pick up the phone and you call Maryann, Constance, Susan or Lauren. Don’t call me, I’m not even close. If it’s been awhile since a Nanism has crossed your mind. You know, how she’d say roth iron not wrought iron… Kris or Bri’s got your back. Look for her in each other. It’s meaningless here on Earth without seeking those pieces of her.

Nani did have some final wishes for us. For her grandchildren: that they’d inherit her sense of humor, sense of responsibility… that we’d take care of one another. For her children: that they’d stay close. Weekly calls. Ask each other: What are you doing? What do you need? Being in touch is like a muscle, she says - you don’t use it, you lose it. She wanted you to remember that after all’s said and done, it’s your family who will be with you. And We certainly saw this with her. How we all took care of her because she took care of us. Her son Tony who added 10 years to her life as her concierge doctor on demand. Her daughter/funeral director Connie who assumed her every responsibility and grocery run. For her children, Maryann and Sam, who even living out of state, found themselves in her home for weeks and months at a time… And when they couldn’t, thank god for technology and facetime.

We can do this for her. Because she did all of this and more for her. Allow me to close with a selection from 2 Corinthians that perfectly encompasses the resilience of this woman.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;

perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned;

struck down, but not destroyed.

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus,

so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body…

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away…

yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far

outweighs them all.”