Name: Oak Hill Funeral Home & Memorial Park
Address: San Jose, CA

Mother's Last Days

After not being able to eat for almost two months, my mom was admitted to the hospital on December 21st.  I came home on the 23rd to visit her in the hospital everyday where they fed her by IV, saying she was dying of starvation.  After suffering for three days in that hospital with many kinds of tests, all the doctors finally gave up because the cancer had already spread from her stomach up to her throat. Her body then began to shut down and reject whatever they fed her.  We had no choice but to bring her home on the 28th of December under a hospice care program.

With her brave encouragement, we were able to do the New Year Eve's show even though our hearts were not into playing that night, worrying that she might go at any time.   My mom was a super brave woman.  She never complained about anything, never wanted to take anything from anybody.  She always thought about her loved ones and   other people that she cared about, instead of herself.  So when hearing about the New Year's show, she told me that the band needed to keep on practicing, and not to worry about her, just do a good show, and this would make her happy.  

I was surprised when she asked me the price of the tickets.  I asked her, “Why do you need to know?” Then she smiled and said that she wanted to buy two tickets, one for herself, and one for my sister, Tien, so they could to come to the show.  I knew that it was like a sign that meant she wanted to see her children perform for one last time, before she left us for good.  I looked at her and saw how cute she was when joking about the tickets. I bent down and kissed her on the forehead. She kissed me back on the left cheek and then asked me for the right one for another kiss.

I always knew that she was in a great deal of pain, but she never complained, just often said softly that it hurt so much.  We gave her morphine as instructed and she was able to talk normally, even smiled and asked for milk or some of her favorite foods and soups, but just a few spoonfuls.

On January 3rd, she said she was not able to sleep and needed some sleeping medication, so instead of giving her a higher dose of morphine, the doctor suggested that we give her an anti-depressant, which would make her sleep better.  The next day she was partially paralyzed, could not move or talk anymore. Her mouth was wide open, and she could not even look at us when we spoke to her, just blindly stared at the ceiling with her poor blurred eyes.  I kissed her many times and whispered into her ears, “Mom, please don't worry, please go in peace, join Dad and Tami in a better place.  We will take care of everything and especially our youngest sister, Tien."  Of course she understood, but could not say anything as the tears streamed out of her poor eyes.  I never felt that much pain in my life seeing my mother like that. 

That evening on January 4th, her feet were getting cold and I knew then that she was leaving us.  I called the hospice nurse, and she came over, checked my mom out, and said that my mom was alright and probably would last a few more days because her feet were not really cold.  I touched her feet and was surprised that they were warm again, but actually my mom was having a fever even as her body was dying.  
Of course I did not know that then, so after arranging to have one of my sisters and the nurse to stay over with my mom all night, I went home to get some sleep because I was so exhausted.

The morning of January 5th, the nurse called me and said to come there quickly.  Chris and I live about seven minutes away, but we were three minutes late because my mom had already gone peacefully in her sleep at 5:30 a.m.  I was frozen in shock, I could not even cry though I really wanted to, and I hated myself for not staying there with her all night, instead of going home.

The whole family, my brothers, sisters, the grandsons, granddaughters, great-granddaughters rushed in one after another to Mom's room and we all cried and cried.
Unlike Tami's case, I felt sadder in a way because my mom never had a life and she had been suffering emotionally and physically since the day my youngest sister Tien became ill, especially the last six months when Tien had a serious stroke.  Now, she is finally at rest, joining my dad and Tami in a much better place, with no more sorrow, and no more pain.

She was lying there quietly, like having a nice deep sleep, a sleep that she had not experienced for a very long time. It was amazing for the first time in almost twenty years to see her face so smooth, so relaxed, no more wrinkles, and no more worries.  We kept her with us, stood around her bed, talked to her, cried, and took turns singing and praying for her until 7:00 p.m. that evening.

The viewing took place on Friday, January 13, 2012, and the cremation was the next day per my Mom's request.  After the funeral, we had a very nice reception with family, friends, and fans, who stayed and had lunch with us. Many took turns coming up and sharing thoughts about my Mom.  We got emotional, cried, laughed at funny things Mom did, and all the stupid things we did to her when we were young.  We sang together and were thankful for a wonderful afternoon full of warm feelings and memories of her.
 
The "party" lasted still around 4 p.m.  We were all very tired, but went straight to my mom's house to have dinner there together for the last time, and to talk about how to take care of my sister Tien.  We wanted to come up with a decent affordable plan for her.  Since Mom is now gone, we will focus on our sister and give her the best love and support possible. This will make my mom very happy.  That night, somehow I felt that she was looking down at us with her soft beautiful smile.

I flew back to Orlando on January 17th.  It was hard when I landed, because I could not call to say, "Mom, I'm here safe and sound, please rest and try to get a lot of sleep.  I love you."  Mom would probably say, "Don't worry about me, take care of yourself, and I will be here waiting for you to come home again.  Remember that your job is important, and I rather see you working there than sitting at home without a job."  Yes I will continue to come home many times for vacations, but I won't be able to visit Mom anymore.

I walked from the plane to the parking lot where my friend picked me up.  I was crying like a kid, and I had to wear dark sunglasses even though it was already 11 p.m.  I realize I will have to move on and accept the fact that my life will be much different.  Things will never be the same, and I will be so lost without her. 

I am crying again while writing this, and missing her so much.  I wish that she was still here so that I could say,  “Mom, I am so sorry for not being a good enough son, and sorry that I could not be near you all these years to help take care of you, and sorry for whatever I did that hurt you so much…..”

Tri

In memory of Mom

Dear Mom,
It is so sad that I am writing you this note when you are already gone. 
Growing up as the almost youngest daughter, I was fortunate to be able to follow you everywhere, either to visit Dad when he had to work far from home, or your relatives in your home town of Hue, or even to a Vietnamese folk play or to a romantic movie with your friends. Although I did not understand much, but one thing I do remember is that I was very happy to be with you most of the times. When I was 9 years old, you sent me to stay in Dalat with Bac Thanh, one of Dad's best friends, so I could join the older sisters in the famous French boarding school, Notre Dame Du Lanbian. You must have guessed that I felt so lonely and missed our sweet home a lot, because I did not find the warm love that we had at home. Although Dad passed away early, you tried hard to stand strong and raise us with love and pride.
Yes, you have protected us and given us all the love. You said to us many times, that we, your children, were important to you most, more than anything in the world. Being close to us, cook for us wonderful meals, or listening to our sad and happy stories, were your happiness. Your eyes brightened with big smiles when you looked at us….
You were not only cared for us, but you have touched so many people who knew you, young or old, with your charm. You always liked to please your friends with your special dishes, helped them when they needed, and never forgot those who have helped you. 
Mom, you have spent all your life for us, but we could only spared a short time each week to visit you, yet you were very happy. You never asked me how my day went, but you knew when I was sad or happy, and you always greeted me with more than one kisses. Every Sunday, I visited you and always called ahead to ask what dishes you prefer to eat, and you always gave me a very polite answer such as “anything my dear, whatever is convenient for you”…That's you, mom, you never wanted to burden any of us. You were always content and accepted whatever we offered. ..
Mom, you were the best. You were strong and full of courage, yet very romantic and sensual, honest and humble, tough yet very charming. You have given us the best guidance. 
I know that you are in God's hands and happy by our Dad and our sister Tam. I love you dearly and miss you so much.
You daughter, Dieu-Thuy

Dear Mom,
We were so blessed to have you for mother. You loved us unconditionally and had sacrificed all your life for us. Because of my stupidity I had broken your heart, yet you had welcomed me back with opened loving arms. During my long difficult years, even thought I did not dare complaining about my problems , you knew and shared my suffering and never blamed me.
The more I got older the more I appreciated you wisdom, your generosity and your love. You had given us so much but never asked us anything in return. You did even thanked  me every time I called and talked to you. Mom, how could you have to thank us for spending just a short moment of our days to talk to you or visit you when you had spent all your life taking care of us?        
I had realized how much you must had felt lonely after Dad was gone, being alone myself only for a few years. You were so courageous to stay a widow until the end because you loved us so much.
I know that the last few years, I had brought you some happiness and peace, not because of my cares for you but because you finally saw me as a happy woman. 
I love you an miss you very much.
Your daughter  DieuTrinh Le Thi

Dear mom,

I wake up each morning thinking about you. And I can't still accept the fact that you are no longer there for me to call, for me to drive back to San Jose to see you. You were so happy each time I told you that I was planning my trip back home. Yet you never once told me that I must visit you. I feel so guilty that I went away. But you were always on my mind.

I can never forget the way you kissed me each time I arrived and before I left, and how you always comforted me when I was sad. You were so wise that you could foresee my future, yet I never listened to you. And finally when I had a chance to make you happy, I lost you forever.

Every Saturday, I used to call you on the way home from playing tennis. Now I pick up the phone and I start to cry, because I can no longer hear your voice. I can still see your happy face each time I came to have lunch with you. And when I nagged about my life, you sat there and listened patiently to every word. 

I know that you have suffered so much, but you never once complained to make your children feel bad. Instead you were always there to comfort us, sacrifice for us. And I also know that you were happy seeing us around you for so many years. And we seemed to deny the fact that one day you would be gone forever. And that terrible day had come, and I have realized that you were the most wonderful mother that we had. 

You are always in my heart,

Your son Toan

Me thuong nho,



Den bay gio con van không nghi rang me da ra di vinh vien vi sang ngu giay, con van thay hinh anh me ngoi tren ghe ngoai ban an cho con den an trua voi me moi thu Bay hoac Chua nhat va nghe me an ui con. Me noi: “Me thuong con va ca 2 vo chong con, ve gia con lan dan, moi nguoi mot noi cung chi vi hoan canh; con rang len con, dung lo lang buon phien nhieu ma cang thay kho hon. Hay dang cho Chua va cau nguyen thi se thay tam hon minh nhe hon”. Me oi, con se nho mai loi khuyen cua me vi nho do ma con vuot qua duoc luc con dau kho nhat nen con cang nho me nhieu hon. Va sau nay con con dau duoc nghe me an ui con nua ha me? Nho me cang nhieu moi khi di ngang qua cac tiem an con thuong mua cho me, Pho Y’, Pho So 1, Pho My, bun bo Hue, … nhat la sau nay me chi con thich mon bun thit nuong thôi. Me oi , con dau con co hoi nua ha me?



Me oi, con thuong me nhieu lam. Lam dau cho me hon 40 nam roi, con chua bao gio nghe me lon tieng voi con ca, nen con luon nghi me nhu me con va con da thuong me tu luc nao con cung khong nho ro. Con cam on me. Ben tai con luon luon vang len: “Thua me con den va thua me con ve.” Va luc nao me cung hon con ( phai 2 bên moi du : ) ). Me oi, con nho me nhieu lam!



Moi lan don chau Malia o nha anh Linh ra la chau hay nai: “Di tham Ba Co ngu khong duoc, Ba Co len troi voi Chua”.



Thuong va nho me.

Con,

Be


My dearest Mom,

Today is exactly one month since you left us. I miss you so much! I miss each and every one of your laughter, your words, and especially the kisses you gave me each time I came to visit you and before I left. I miss the prayer we did together and saying "Bon appetite" to you before having dinner with you.

When I was with you, I liked to see you smile that's why I usually tried to make you smile by joking around with you or saying meaningless things. Even though you are no longer with us on earth, your image is in my heart always.

I love you and miss you very much.
Your daughter-in-law,
Anh

My dear Mom,

Until now, I still can't believe that you've left this world forever and I feel like a part of me is missing. You were so good and kind to me since the day I was born and I'm truly grateful for everything you did for me.

I will never forget the time we spent together though it was not much to me. I visited you once a week to have dinner and watch TV with you and we usually had a good time watching the show after dinner. It seemed like you had better appetite when you ate with me which I'm glad. When time came for me to leave, you normally wanted to kiss me on both cheeks. And you said after kissing me: "I would feel very sad if you don't come to visit me". I know that seeing me or any of your children was your happiness. Sometimes you even called a day ahead to remind me to visit you because you were afraid that I would forget. Sometimes you even told me what kind of food you had to offer for dinner to make sure I wouldn't miss it. Dear Mom, visiting you was the least thing I could do but you still thanked me every time. You were so sweet! Now that you're gone, I realize that once a week was not enough at all. I should have done it more often but it's too late now! I wish I could go back in time so that I could visit you more often and spend more time with you.

I know that it was time for you to leave this world to be with God but I still wish that you could stay on earth a littler longer. When you were in your sick bed, I prayed to God every day and asked Him to let you stay with us a few more years or just a few more months. Well, I guess God accepted my prayer and others that's why He extended your stay here until after the New Year. I sincerely thank God for that.

After you passed away, you let me see you in my dreams, not once but twice. I guess you wanted to let me know that you're fine. Even though I'm sad that you're no longer here with us, I'm glad that you finally reunite with dad and sister Tam in heaven and you're very much happy now.

I'm so lucky and blessed to have you as my mother. Thank you very much, mom.

I love you dearly and miss you so much.
Your son,
Thanh
San Jose, CA - 02/04/2012

Dear Mom,

I would like to express my feeling when I lost you, a devoted mother who sacrificed all her life for her children. I don't know how to thank you enough because you gave me all the good things of my life. Most of us in our family could learn the piano and especially Toan, the violin.

When I was four years old, you let me go to Couvent Des Oiseaux of Saigon (Regina Mundi), one of the most famous private schools in Vietnam. And when I turned eleven, you sent me to the same school system but in Dalat, called Notre Dame Du Langbian, where I stayed in the dormitory.

I remember, in Saigon, when I was just a little girl, each time before going to the market, you woke me up and told me: "Come with me and I will buy you Bun Bo and Sam Bo Luong.". I followed you to Ben Thanh market and helped you carrying the bags filled with foods. You were so proud of me!

I February 1973, you sent me to Switzerland to study at the University Of Fribourg. Before I left the country, you taught me how to cook Vietnamese foods, especially the dishes of Central Vietnam. I wrote down many recipes on a notebook which I have kept until now. Because of your precious recipes, I am able to cook delicious food and I can prepare meals with many dishes for my in-law's family and my friends. Besides, I can earn some extra money from doing that, too.

In 1975, you advised me to join our family in the USA but I couldn't because I had to pursue my studies for my degree, plus I had to get married in Switzerland. You were so disappointed and very sad to be far away from me. In 1988, after Tuyet-Anh, my daughter was born, you went to Switzerland to visit my family. You brought Chicken Wings, Shreded Shrimp, Banh Bot Loc, and Banh Nam for the reception after her baptism. My in-law's family and my friends really enjoyed eating your food. In the same period, you and I went to Lourdes in France by train. We laughed a lot at the hotel when we told jokes to each other. Ten years later (1998), you returned to Switzerland and we went to Paris and Lourdes again. I remember in Lourdes, even with your high heel shoes, you walked so fast towards the statue of The Virgin Mary. You were not tired because your belief was very strong. We spent precious moments together over there.

Each year, I tried to visit you and our family in San Jose, California and I enjoyed a lot each time. Now  that you are gone forever, I can still come to San Jose to visit the family whenever I have a chance, but you are not there anymore. I miss you terribly.

Farewell, Mom. I love you very much.
Your daughter, Dieu-Tuyet

MOM'S EULOGY

Our beloved mother, Mrs Do Thi Diep was born in 1926 in Hue, VN. She was married to Mr Le Quang Trong, an army colonel under president Ngo Dinh Diem.

Like many other Vietnamese military man's wives during the war, our mom did not actually have a good life. Dad was always at the battle fields, but loved and cared for us very much. Whenever he came home, mom always had us greeting him with nice dinners that she prepared, followed by games, singing songs etc...

Mom used to have a great alto voice. She normally sang the solo in church when she was young, and that was how she met our Dad, who courted her by giving her his share of Tofu dessert after a gathering. She was so in love with him that she ate it all. Their love story was also very romantic according to her diary, such as when the pastor knew about dad falling in love with mom, he forced dad to break up with mom and mom had to accept it because she believed it was God's will. But Dad was too sad that he got sick, and so was mom. He had to ride the bicycle to visit mom and decided to give up his mission with God, which meant he was supposed to become a priest. They married on December 22nd, 1947; and bore 8 children.

Since Dad was a commander of the Army with 10 thousand soldiers, Mom could have had anything she wanted but she still lived a life of a humble woman, normal wife and mother. No matter how much hardship she had to go through, she still loved only Dad until the day she died. 

Dad passed away when Mom was only 39. He left us just little property in the city of “Dalat”. Borrowing money from friends, she managed to build an 8 apartment complex near “Tan Son Nhat” airport, and rented out to foreigners. She planned to give each of us 1 apartment in the future to make sure we'd stay together.

Mom continued to take care of us by going to work each morning. Instead of remarrying, she focused 100% of her life to make sure we all went to good schools, and even managed to send us to learn piano and violin. Every Sunday, she would take us to church and visit Dad's grave, then to lunch (our favorite part). Although Dad was gone, most of his colleagues still gave mom a lot of respect.  She was offered a personal chauffer and a Jeep, but she refused and only accepted to remain living in the military residence until the fall of Saigon in 1975.

Mom brought all of us up with her strong belief in God. Every night she would gather all of us in one room and make us pray before bed time. 

In 1973, Mom sent our sister Tuyet to college in Switzerland. Then Tami and Thanh were sent to Hawaii in the early Seventies. She never once complained how tough life was for her, but always worked hard to save money for us. Her philosophy was “Never spend the money you don't have”. But we hardly listened to her. Her mind was like a computer. Out for groceries, she would catch it right away if the cashier ever made a mistake, even before she got her receipts. Mom also contributed to many charities.

With the help of Madame Nguyen Ngoc Le, mom left Saigon in April 1975 with Toan, Thuy and Tien.  The plane made a stop in Honolulu for gas, before heading to California. Tami and Thanh were helping the refugees at the Hickam air base, then Tami wanted to check out the international airport for new arrivals. She happened to walk in the plane that mom and her siblings were in. With tears of joy, Tami managed to pull us out of the plane and finish the paper work for us to stay with her in Hawaii. The Jamiesons welcomed us in their home. Then the rest of our family soon reunited in a couple of months. Most of us ended up staying in Honolulu for 5 years. Those were the only years that mom was truly happy.

When we all settled in San Jose in 1980, Mom stayed with us in the same house for a few years, then we took turn to start moving out on our own. Mom got to travel to a few places to visit friends, and spent the rest of her years in a humble apartment so that she could take care of our youngest sister Tien. She never called to bother us, unless she absolutely needs help. She was always there to listen if we ever came to nag with her about our troubles. She never once said “I told you so”, instead she would say “My poor child, just have faith in God and you will get by”. Mom hardly missed church, even when she had to come in a wheel chair. The last mass that she attended was for Dad memorial. And she also did a lot of charity.

She never once raised her voice at any of us, but we could tell when she was mad just by looking at her eyes. She could enjoy traveling if she wanted to, but chose to be around us as much as she could. 

Mom was also one of the greatest cooks. She was the chef in the kitchen every time dad had a formal dinner with some of his colleagues. Then for many years, we loved to visit mom just so we could  enjoy her food. And her menu was not just traditionally Vietnamese but French as well.

Many people had suggested that she should open a restaurant but she only wanted to cook for her children and friends.

Mom had a warm personality that everyone loved her so much. She liked to hear jokes and laughed so hard with tears in her eyes watching Vietnamese comedy. But she never had a good night sleep, just because she always worried. It must have been hard for mom when Tami got sick and passed away in 2007, just about 4 years ago.

When she was diagnosed with stomach cancer, she accepted it and prepared herself. She never complained no matter how much it hurt her inside. She even told us not to worry too much for her but make sure to rehearse well for the New Year's eve that we were committed to perform. Mom loved to listen to us sing and came to see us perform many times. She had music on all the time and loved to listen to Que Huong radio. Once she asked her friend to call and request the station to play “Autumn Leaves”, sung by Tami. That was also the song that Dad used to sing to her in French.

Mom left us Thursday morning the 5th, at 5:30am, with a face so gentle and relaxed as if she wants us to know that she has seen God and on her way to heaven. No more worries, no more losing sleep from now on.

We love you and miss you so much Mom. You will forever remain in our hearts.

Dear Mom,

I know that you are in heaven with God and The Virgin Mary now and I hope that you are happy with Dad and my sister Tam. 

I love you and miss you a lot. And I especially miss your tender and loving care, mommy. I have many pictures of you.

God bless your soul, mommy.
Your daughter Dieutien Lethi

Toast to Ba Ngoai from Michele      July 2006

As a young girl, my mom and I lived in Hawaii separate from the rest of the Lequang family.  But each year, my anticipation grew strong as summer came close.  Each year, I boarded a plain off to 29 Park Fletcher Place, San Jose, California to see Ba Ngoai and the rest of the family.

These visits were important to me as they solidified my identity as a Vietnamese girl and now woman.  It is because of my Ba Ngoai that I am grateful for these colorful and delicious memories.

I can remember when I wanted to be just like her following her path like the hind legs of a mule.  And a mule she was, carrying the weight of her family on top of her shoulders.  

We would go to bed in her room filled with photographs of family close and far.  The pictures of those in Paris and Switzerland were always of interest to me.  She would lie next to me and tell me stories of my childhood, and from what she tells me, I …was a handful.

After the stories, we would pray together, synchronous voices blanketing my sleep.  All of this took place in either Vietnamese or English, I can't remember. But our communication was free and unabashed.  I would tell her I loved her more than the universe.

In the morning, she would wake up before the sun, go downstairs, and make ham sandwiches for Bac Tri, Cau Toan, and Cau Thanh as they were transitioning from rock stars to 9 to 5ers.  Let's just say old habits die hard.  She would always let me help by spreading the mayonnaise over the bread.

During the day, as Crystal and I stormed through house playing hide and go seek, she was always busy cleaning the windows, steaming banh bot lop or flan.  And sometimes, she would be rolling noodles for banh canh.

I remember a few of us would join in getting our hands dirty in the white flour.  I remember Bac Tri thinking he had the best rolling technique.


I think, however, the early evenings had the most impact on me.  Ba Ngoai delegated the task of setting the dinner table to Crystal and me and I'm sure there were at least 15 chopsticks, rice bowls, and plates to spit your bones on around that small oval shaped table.

With all of our elbows touching, Ba Ngoai sat regally at the head of the table connecting our family through strength, dignity, and canh chua.

She is the center that the Lequang family always comes back to find strength and guidance.  She is the spirit that always keeps me grounded when my world gets turned on its head, and the hand that squeezed my hand tightly on downtown bus trips for jade or a new hair bun.

These trips to the mainland every summer wrapped me so tightly in my culture that I would sometimes get confused as to where I'd been. And I would have to sometimes correct myself that it was San Jose that I had been to and not Vietnam.  

So this toast…. is to my Ba Ngoai…to thank and tell her I love her for loving me, giving me a sense of strong identity and reminding me…though my language was never fluent that through her love and through my stomach…that I am Vietnamese.  Con thuong Ngoai nhieu lam.

OBITUARY

Diep Thi Do

5 May, 1926 – 5 January, 2012

Oak Hill Funeral Home & Memorial Park

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