November 13, 2020—Advantage Melcher Chapel of the Roses
Prelude Song—“Never Let Me Go”
There is a story about a young child who heard that the neighbor next door had just passed away. This child’s family, not thinking that the little boy understood the meaning of those words, were confused when he insisted on going over there to see the family member who was now there all alone.
He was gone for what seemed like a very long time, but eventually he returned with a smile upon his face. When his family asked him, what was he doing there so long he simply stated… “First, I helped him cry and then I helped him smile.” His parents were confused, “You helped him cry?” they asked. “How did you do that?”
“I just hugged him,” he said. “How did you help him smile?” they asked. He simply answered, “I just listened as he told me about some of the places they had gone and talked about the things they had seen together and that made us smile.” Wow…the wisdom of a child!
No one taught him how to care, no one told him what someone needs when they have lost a loved one from their lives, and no one stopped him from doing what he instinctively felt in his heart that was right. I guess the moral here is “First you cry.”
But we must not miss the second part of this little boy’s heartfelt lesson about grieving. Remember he said, then they shared memories of better times, ending with “and that made us smile.” That is what tonight is all about.
Good evening, and welcome everyone, my name is Becky Hinton, and I am honored to be the Funeral Celebrant this evening, as we pay tribute to a woman who has been such a large part of all your lives; Patricia Jean Smith.
The common denominator everyone here shares is Patty. If you had not been touched by this woman’s life, in some way, big or small, you would not be here. This thread, which connects us all, may seem fragile, but I assure you it’s not. This bond, shared between her and you, may be one of blood as family, or mutual respect, sharing of similar interests, support for her family or your never-ending love.
Patty’s death has left a hole in the hearts of her loving family; left to cherish her memory are: her son, Gerry Jr. and his wife, Bonnie;
daughter, Mickie and her partner, Joey; son, Steven and his wife, Jennie; grandchildren: Cheyenne, Lilly, Dalton and his wife, Amy,
Samantha and her husband, Jeremy, Nathaniel and Ray; great-grandchildren, Colton, Kairi and Hayden; sisters, JoAnne and her husband, Tim; Cindi and her husband, Danny; brothers, Billy, Larry and his wife, Dina, Eddie and Joe; numerous nieces and nephews she adored; her best bitches, Sheryl and Tootie; and a collection special people she considered family.
On behalf of Patty’s family, thank you for being here for this important moment. Whether you came from near or far, or are joining us via Face Book, nothing takes the place of friends and family at a time like this. Your support has lifted them up and will continue to help them get through this time of loss and readjustment in all their lives.
We will spend time reflecting and honoring a life filled with, joy, struggles, service to others, imperfections and love. Her unique journey encompassed frustration, exhilaration, heartbreak and determination. We are not going to portray her as a Saint, per the request of her children; “two by blood and one by love”. This is a sacred space to laugh and cry, gather strength from one another, and carve a space in your heart for her memories to live on.
Washington Irving said, “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
We will open this time of celebration and remembrance with a prayer.
Almighty God,
You love everything You have made and judge us with infinite mercy and justice. We rejoice in Your promises of pardon, joy and peace to all those who love You. In Your mercy, turn the darkness of death into the dawn of new life, and the sorrow of parting into the joy of heaven; through our Savior Jesus Christ, Who died, rose again, and lives for evermore. Amen.
We will now pause to listen to a song.
Song—"Go Rest High on That Mountain”
Patricia Jean Smith was born (extremely prematurely weight) on July 10, 1955 in San Jose, California, to parents Hazel and Elmo Smith. She was proud of her extraordinary beginning, and enjoyed telling her story. Being so small, she was placed in a shoe box inside her Momma’s dresser drawer. She was truly a survivor, and overcame seemingly insurmountable odds, with her fierce and spunky personality.
The fourth of nine children, she battled hardship and difficulty. Her Dad left when she was small, her step-father was unkind, money was tight and she felt ignored and neglected as the middle child.
Her sister, JoAnne called her, “mischievous”. One day, they were supposed to be cleaning up their room, but Patty wasn’t helping. In frustration, JoAnne threw a perfume atomizer at her; it didn’t hit her, but Patty caused a fuss, lied and told her Mom, “She hit me”, and got her in trouble. According to her sister, Cindi, Patty was very impulsive; there wasn’t a bad idea she wasn’t up for, and she usually made things worse!
Her mother was an excellent seamstress, and made all the kids’ clothes. Patty was always impeccably dressed, she was talented at applying makeup and her hair was perfectly styled. She was so popular with the boys that her little sister, Cindi said, “She was so boy crazy-boys were her hobby”!
Patty struggled in school; she found reading to be a challenge, so she avoided it as much as possible, but that made school very difficult. She was beyond thrilled and proud to graduate from Delano high school in 1974. It almost didn’t happen, and she admitted, “I did it by the skin of my teeth”!
A few years after graduation, she became a single Mom to a baby girl, she named, Mickie. Her sisters called her a workhorse when she was young, and Patty was (by all accounts) “A hell of a waitress”. Later, she went on to work at the Elks Lodge, the Cuckoo Inn, an Elementary school cafeteria and a laundromat.
Patty did unofficial Hospice-type work, for several people as well. They were not relatives, and no one asked for her assistance, but she felt a calling to help care for the dying. She did it all without pay or recognition. Patty was so kind-hearted, and needed someone to take care of. Sometimes people took advantage of her assistance, but that didn’t deter her.
In 1977, Patty was devastated to lose her 44-year-old Mother, Hazel. However, that same year, while attending church, she met the love of her life, Gary Adams Sr. Gary asked her to scoot over, so he could sit down, and she replied, “My ASS ain’t that BIG”! Apparently, he wasn’t turned off by her unfiltered response-quite the contrary; he loved her outspoken nature! Gary and Patty fell in love (hard and fast) and spent the next 13 years together. But (like most relationships) it was not all sunshine and rainbows.
Patty was a self-described Hippie Chick and Biker Bitch, which typically means having a motorcycle (specifically a Harley-Davidson) and she and Gary had one for a short time. Patty even bragged that Gary was a member of the Hell’s Angels, but it was never corroborated, so it may have been one of her tall tales!
Gary was not Mickie’s biological father, but he was her Dad in every way, and he proudly made sure everyone knew she was his little girl! Seeing the love that he had for Mickie, only solidified Patty’s mind that he was he was something special, and she wasn’t about to let her, “Marlboro Man” get away! It wasn’t long before they gave Mickie a baby brother named, Steven. They lived in multiple locations, relished wonderful times and weathered numerous storms throughout the following 13 years. The fact that it wasn’t easy, made it them even more appreciative of one another.
Love Isn’t Always Perfect
“Love isn’t always perfect
It isn’t a fairy-tale or a storybook.
And it doesn’t always come easy.
Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges,
fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go.
It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define,
and impossible to live without. Love is work,
but most of all, love is realizing that every hour,
every minute, and every second it was worth it,
because you did it together.” ~ Author Unknown
In 1990, Gary passed away following a tragic car accident. His death left a gaping hole that Patty was never able to fully mend. The light in her in her life, suddenly went dark. She tried to take care of Mickie and Steven, but depression and addiction had a death-grip on her mind. Patty didn’t seem capable of nurturing or showing love and affection. The teenage years were especially difficult and at 15, Mickie even ran away for several days.
The demons came and went for many years, but on June 27, 1995, Mickie gave birth to Cheyenne. Her arrival caused a shift in Patty’s mind, and a little spark of light reentered her life. For the next four years, she embraced the role of Grandma, but often acting before thinking. For example, she fed peanut butter to 3-month-old Cheyenne, which luckily didn’t cause an allergy. She sang, “I’m so Blue Over You”, which, more often than not, made Cheyenne cry!
Patty adored each of her grandchildren-they were her life. When grandson, Ray was little, instead of Grandma, he somehow came up with McPatty, and the name stuck! Ray said, “She always showed me she loved me”.
Lilly called Grandma Patty, “Annoying”. She said, “She always tried to parent me; even when my Mom and Dad were home, she was all up in my business”!
Cheyenne labelled Grandma, “Spunky” and “Naturally funny”. For nearly every photo, instead of smiling, she stuck her tongue out or crossed her eyes. She also posed with one arm up and the other down or she looked sideways (in admiration), as if she was unaware of the photographer. Son, Steven said, “In my 41 years, I’ve only seen two pictures where she was serious”.
Patty was a believer, and she felt it was important to pass that on. Granddaughter, Cheyenne remembered being taught a bible verse. Every time she stayed the night with Grandma, she had to recite John 3:16, which reads, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life”.
After becoming a mother, Mickie felt a shift in how she viewed her Mom. Their relationship was ridiculously complicated, but she realized she loved her. Mickie was 25 the first time her Mom said, “You’re beautiful. You look like Cher”! After moving to Arizona and working as a Funeral Arranger for about five years, Mickie finally heard her Mom say, “I’m proud of you”.
As she aged, Patty became comfortable saying, “I love you, and she said it repeatedly. Sometimes 15 times in a two-hour span. Mickie tried to explain that it loses its meaning when it’s said that often, but it was as if Patty were trying to make up for a lifetime in a small window.
Mickie’s partner, Joey was amazed by Patty’s fearlessness. He said, “She accomplished every obstacle in her way”. He remembered their first meeting-she had just undergone knee surgery, and she didn’t lie around. While recovering from the knee surgery, she put her 11-month-old granddaughter, Lilly on the toilet, while she sat on the floor keeping her from falling, but then realized she was stuck and couldn’t get up on her own!
Patty spent most of her life moving around Southern and Central California. She was afraid of the dark, hated thunder storms and being alone. She wasn’t a fan of scary movies, but she loved Halloween. She could sleep almost anywhere- in a chair, on sofa, or even standing up eating!
She felt everything so deeply-both good and bad. She also had the ability to cry and then instantly turn off the tears. Mickie remembered telling her Mom, “What the Hell? You could have been an actress; we could have lived in Southern California and been rich”!
Patty loved music; she wasn’t into any particular style, but when she heard a favorite, she stopped the car, got out and danced! She loved singing, but she had a horrible voice, and always messed up the lyrics. For instance, she was belting out a tune called, “Anticipation” by Carly Simon one day, when her sister, JoAnne asked, “What are you singing”? To which Patty replied, “I’m constipated, and it’s making me wait”!!!
In honor of her love of music, we’ll listen to another song.
Song—"A Letter to My Mother”
Any time Patty was around little kids, she felt compelled to flip out her dentures and scare them! She bought Sugar Daddy candies for her sister, Cindi’s kids once. Patty asked 2-year-old, Sonny for a bite, and then she latched on like a dog with a bone. He pulled, she growled and shook her head back and forth. Then, suddenly her teeth shot out of her mouth, while still attached to the candy now in the toddler’s hand!!! His mother fell over laughing, and the event scarred poor Sonny for life!
Patty’s favorite meal was beans, potatoes and cornbread. She had a sweet tooth and loved chocolate of any kind. She was also addicted to Pepsi, and was even known to gulp it warm, right from the two-liter bottle. She made fantastic fried chicken, a mean plate of biscuits and gravy and kick ass-beans. However, Mickie said, “Mine were better-they trumped hers”!
Steven described his mother as, “very spontaneous”. He said, “She was willing to flash her Tata’s to anyone. She had no shame in her game”! After receiving a compliment on her shirt, Patty quickly removed it, and gave it to the unsuspecting admirer-More than once! Son-in-law, Danny described her as, “kind hearted”. “No matter when I saw her, she was loving on me. She never met a stranger and was a social butterfly”. He added.
JoAnne called her “a bitch”. She said, “she was ready to fight you at any minute”. While it was true, they also called used that as a term of endearment. Recently, Mickie went to the hospital to see her Mom. She admitted, “I looked different with my hair straightened and a mask on. When Mom noticed she, she said, “Sister? Sister, you’re a bitch”!
Patty had a collection of spoon jewelry and her favorite color was turquoise. She loved the water and was happy to jump in for a swim even in October, when the temperature was quite chilly!
She was interested in genealogy, and had a fantastic memory. Patty would want me to emphasize that “No matter what her DNA or Ancestry.com said, she was Native American! Apparently, test results showed she actually 3% African American! She knew what all the relatives were up to, and often walked up to people and asked, “Do I know you? Didn’t we meet in 1992 at your uncle’s brother’s cousin’s son-in-law’s birthday party”? Which tended to result in confusion and awkward silence!
Patty’s sister, Cindi had always been very skinny. After putting on some weight, Cindi joked with her sisters, “I am cow now. Happy cows come from California”! From then on, Patty and her sisters mooed at one another. Two years ago, Patty told them, “We can’t say goodbye anymore. We have to Mooooooo like cows”. The ladies even planned to get cow tattoos together, but since Patty missed out, Mickie will get one for her.
Author Clara Ortega wrote, “To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.”
Gerry Jr was raised by his Nanny and Papa, but he has fond memories of spending time with Patty. He appreciated being included with the family as a young kid, and he talked about Patty recently returning from a four month stay with him and Bonnie in Alabama. Gerry grew up with the WWII generation and (for him) Patty was the last of the “Old Guard” to pass away, which made it even more poignant and sad.
Gerry Jr. believed Patty was misunderstood by a lot of people, but she always meant well. She was a unique personality-in that she didn’t ever worry about being an adult; she maintained an inquisitive, child-like view of the world. It was evident in everything she did; from collecting dolls and stuffed animals, to filling in coloring books and her enjoyment of watching cartoons. Her favorite movie was “The Nightmare before Christmas” and especially Disney and Pixar movies, such as “Toy Story” and “Madagascar”.
She never lost her affinity for Harley’s; it was as if her hearing was specifically tuned in to hear them a mile away! She excitedly made sure everyone knew what was coming, and then her face changed. Her huge smile was replaced by a far-away look. She was reliving those thrilling memories of long ago-on the back of Gerry’s bike holding on to his incredibly hairy chest!
She never valued herself; she received prescriptions from the doctor, carried around the pills, but never took them. She simply wanted to be unconditionally loved by someone unrelated-someone that just chose her.
Her daughter-in-law, Jennie said, “she was lively and non-judgmental”. She was unconcerned about how others viewed her; she had no problem speaking her mind, which led to her being called a “bitch”.
Her family all agreed that (not only was it an accurate description) it was also used a term of endearment!
Now we will listen to another song.
Song—"Supermarket Flowers”
Dianne Arcangel wrote:
“Grief comes in one size, Extra Large. If we tuck it away in the bottom drawer where it never sees the light of day, it remains exactly the same. On the other hand, if we wear it, feel it, talk about it, and share it with others, it is likely that it will become faded, shrunk and worn, or will simply no longer fit. When grief has served its purpose, we are able to recognize the many gifts we have gained.”
Patty’s family asked that I share some memories on their behalf.
Her granddaughter, Samantha wrote:
“Patty, your goofy laugh and childish grin are what you are remembered for, even when you had sadness in your eyes. Tried to keep everyone happy even if you weren’t. Prayed for anyone when it was needed; some felt you had a direct line to God, because you prayed so fiercely. You saw the best in anyone and made friends wherever you went. You were remembered by anyone that got the chance to meet you. You are with family now-that you missed so dearly. And the man you loved, finally has you for eternity. We love you, and you will be missed. But one day, we will be together again, so until then, you’ll live on in our hearts”.
The next memory is from her daughter, Mickie.
It reads, “The sisters were all here, and Mom was sitting outside smoking a cigarette, and she had a fan pointed in her direction. Joey walked outside, and then he came back in a few seconds later. He was gagging, ran over to the sink and threw up. He tried to talk, but he couldn’t get the words out. My aunt JoAnne, cousin Timi Ann and I were trying to figure out what was going on.
In all honesty, I was trying to stop laughing because Joey was throwing up. After finally gathering his composure, he said, “The smell of your Mom’s fart made me throw up! My aunt and cousin still weren’t sure whether it was ok to laugh, but when I started belly laughing, they just gave in and laughed too.
That whole time, my Mom was outside not knowing what the hell she did. When we told her, she just kind of shrugged her shoulders and lifted her eyebrows, like, ‘yeah, that happens’. To this day, it still makes us laugh so hard we cry, and I think Joey has PTSD and flashbacks from it. But she loved her son-in-law and daughter-in-law’s so much, and they loved her”!
Daughter-in-law, Bonnie wrote:
“Patty aka Momma, when you, Mickie and Steven moved in across the street I was only about 11 or 12. I could never have imagined the significant role y’all would play in my life! All of you literally became my family, and because of you, I met the love of my life (my best friend, and your son) Gary Jr. I love you so very much. I want to thank you for all the smiles, laughs, dances, singing, talks and all the prayers you had for me when I needed them most! I will carry you in my heart forever, Momma!!! Love always, Bonnie Adams”
JoAnne and Cindi chose a poem to honor their sister.
It’s titled:
“I Carry Your Heart With Me”
“I carry your heart with me.
(I carry it in my heart) I am never without it
(anywhere I go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is done by you my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart) ~ E.E. Cummings
Patty loved a good laugh, and when I saw this poster, it sounded like something she would have gotten a kick out of. It read, “At my funeral, I'd like there to be a piñata, so that people can be happy. But filled with bees, so they’re not too happy”!
As our gathering comes to an end, and you prepare to leave, may you take the memory of Patty with you, tuck it in a special place in your heart, and never let her be forgotten. May you honor her life, by stopping to dance when you hear a good song, finding joy in the little things, facing struggles with courage, and loving with all your heart, for the remainder of your life, just as Patty did!
We will listen to one more song, and then close with a short story.
Song—"Keg On My Coffin”
Patty had a kind spirit, she meant well, had the best of intentions, and she loved with her whole heart! Let’s close with a story titled,
“The Perfect Heart”.~ Author Unknown
“A young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it.
But an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, “Your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine.”
The crowd and the young man looked at the old man’s heart. It was beating strongly but full of scars. It had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in…but they didn’t fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. The young man looked at the old man’s heart and laughed. “You must be joking,” he said. “Compare your heart with mine…mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears.” “Yes,” said the old man, “Yours is perfect looking…but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love…I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them…and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart but because the pieces aren’t exact, I have some rough edges. “Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away…and the other person hasn’t returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges…giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too…and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?”
The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man’s heart. It fit…but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man’s heart flowed into his.”
This story reminded me of Patty’s heart. She freely offered it to all she met, and she considered everyone a friend. She enjoyed a gloriously imperfect life, filled with joy and sorrow. Her heart was the biggest, most treasured, and unforgettable quality she possessed. Each of you are stitched into the patchwork of her perfect heart, and in return, a part of her has been transplanted in you—Forever.
She was an incredible woman who loved attention, a good party and a road trip on a Harley-Davidson. Patty, it’s time for you to take that last ride off into the sunset with Gary.
Before you go, Patty left a message for you:
Recording of Patty saying “I love you”.
Recording of a Harley-Davidson starting and taking off fast.
* * * * * * * * * *
She was a fighter from day one. On July 10, 1955, in San Jose, California, Patricia Jean Smith, also known as Patty, Aunt Patty, Grandma McPatty, and Sister, was born to Hazel and Elmo Smith. She was the tiniest baby weighing only 3 lbs. the day she was born. She was proud of being a 3 lbs. baby and told the story often of sleeping in a shoebox and a dresser drawer next to her Momma. She was the 4th of 9 children to Hazel. The years to follow would have their ups and downs, triumphs, and defeats, but she pulled through and fought with spunk and fierceness.
Patty spent the majority of her life in Central California from Earlimart to Delano, Tulare to Bakersfield, and every hole-in-the-wall town in between. In May of 1974, she graduated from Delano High School by the skin of her teeth, her words. She was so proud of this accomplishment.
In February 1977, Patty met the love of her life, Gerry Lee Adams, Sr. while attending church when he asked her to scoot over so he could sit down. From that moment on, they spent the next 13 years together. It wasn’t all roses and rainbows for sure, but during that 13 years, they raised Mickie, had Steven, and spent some time with Little Gerry. In 1990 she lost Gerry in a tragic car accident. The loss hit her so hard that some would say she would never fully recover.
She was a spit-fire, funny, loved to dance and sing although no one enjoyed her singing, that didn’t stop her. She loved completely and unconditionally and would give a stranger the shirt off her back.
Patty was preceded in death by her mother and father, Hazel and Elmo, her brothers Mickey Joe and Mark Stacey.
She is survived by so many people that loved her and will miss her forever. She is survived by her son Gerry Adams, Jr. and his wife Bonnie, her daughter Mickie Lee and her partner Joey Giesler, her son Steven Leo Adams and his wife Jennie; her grandchildren Cheyenne Janae, Lilly Giesler, Dalton Adams (and Amy), Samantha Adams (and Jeremy) Nathaniel Adams and Ray Adams; great-children Colton, Kairi and Hayden, sisters JoAnne Connelly and her husband Tim; Cynthia (Cindi) Vice and her husband Danny; her brothers Billy Smith, Larry Smith (Dina), Eddie Smith and Joe Jackson, numerous nieces and nephews and every single one she adored. She is also survived by so many special people in her life that she considered family.
Patty will be laid to rest in Delano, California, next to Gerry. A Celebration of Life will be held Friday, November 13th, 2020, 6:00 pm, at Advantage Melcher Chapel of the Roses, 43 South Stapley Drive Mesa, Arizona 85204.
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