What To Say When Someone Dies of Cancer

For example, you may want to tell someone you’re sorry their loved one “lost their battle with cancer,” but this phrase may unintentionally suggest that the person who passed away wasn’t strong. So what to say instead of “lost their battle with cancer”? Try saying something straightforward and sincere, like you’re sorry for their loss and you know this must be a difficult time.

To help you feel empowered to properly express your care and support while avoiding any missteps, here are some additional helpful guidelines on what to say—and what not to say—plus some meaningful ways you can show up for someone who has lost a loved one to cancer.

What to say when someone has lost a loved one to cancer

A good approach is to come from a place of empathy. The person you’re speaking with may be just beginning to process their grief. They may also be managing funeral arrangements. While we’re all unique, ask yourself what message you'd like to hear if it was your friend or family member who'd died.

Although you want to provide reassurance, taking away someone's grief is not your responsibility, nor is it even possible. Instead of attempting the impossible, simply offer a safe space where your friend or family member can feel heard and supported. Being present and listening can mean the world to someone experiencing grief, even if you don’t say anything.

If in doubt, always listen to your heart—if your message is genuine, it will resonate.

Helpful quotes and phrases

If you’re seeking inspiration for phrasing or quotes about a loved one dying of cancer that you can put in your own words, here are a few ideas:

• “I’m very sorry for your loss, and I’m thinking of you.” This is heartfelt, short and to the point.
• “I know things are really difficult right now.” It’s helpful to acknowledge what they’re going through.
• “I’m here for you anytime you’d like to talk.” This is an open-ended invitation to speak about their loved one.
• “I’m here for you, and I want you to know that no matter what you’re feeling, it’s OK.” It can be freeing to offer reassurance that the jumble of emotions they may be feeling are allowed and natural.
• “I don’t know the right words, but I want you to know I’m thinking of you.” If both of these statements are true, it’s really OK to simply state the facts.
• “May I help with _____ this week?” When managing grief, a person may neglect other tasks in life. Instead of asking how you can help, identify a specific task that will make their life a little easier if you handled it, such as running errands, food shopping or laundry, and offer to take care of it.
• “One of my favourite memories of [the name of the person who has passed] is …” Sharing fond moments keeps a memory alive—and don’t be timid about using the loved one's name.

What not to say

When offering condolences, certain statements may inadvertently make the other person feel uncomfortable, judged or isolated. Here are some common examples of phrases to avoid:

• “Don’t worry. They’re in a better place now.” Everyone has different religious and personal beliefs, so it’s best not to make statements along these lines.
• “I went through a similar loss not long ago.” Even though you may feel you deeply understand, the fact is that this person’s loss—and not yours—is what you need to attend to right now.
• “Cheer up! This too shall pass.” Though it may be said with the intention to offer a balm, it’s not helpful to imply that their grief shouldn’t exist.
• “I’m sorry your loved one lost their battle with cancer.” Referring to cancer as a "battle" may insensitively imply the person who passed away wasn’t tough enough.
• “At least they lived a long life.” Regardless of their loved one's age, the person going through grief wishes they were still here, so this statement may come off as dismissive.
• “Be brave.” It’s important not to tell a grieving person what to do or to instill the idea that feelings of fear, vulnerability or helplessness aren’t allowed.
• “Let me know how I can help.” This isn’t specific, and it puts the burden on the person who’s mourning to figure out what they might need and then seek you out and ask for it. Instead, make a specific offer.

Go beyond the talk

If you have the time and interest, you can assist a person who’s grieving with daily tasks that can seem overwhelming after a death. Offering to deliver a home-cooked meal, drive family members in town for the funeral, or assist with childcare may be very much appreciated.

If you know the person well, you may even bypass making the offer and instead simply show up. Take some groceries to their door or drop by and say you’d love to take the kids to the park.

If you’re not sure how to help directly or if you don’t live nearby, flowers can be a heartfelt way to express your sympathies. Include a simple card with the delivery.

Flowers are usually not part of Jewish memorial traditions. If the family is Jewish, send a shiva basket of baked goods, fresh and dried fruits, nuts and chocolates as a token of your concern.

You can also consider more unique gifts, such as planting trees in memory of the person who has passed. Trees serve as living memorials for many years to come and quite tangibly make the natural world a better place.